“A process of sorting through memory, here-and-now experience, and imagination such that we create a coherent picture of the essence of what is occurring in our lives. Making sense can be seen as an integrative process, linking our past, present, and potential future in a way that enables these elements of thought, feeling, memory, and imagination to situate us in a social world of experience.”
— Pocket Guide to Interpersonal Neurobiology, Daniel J. Siegel

Making sense, as defined through the lens of Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB), is exactly this process. As a psychotherapist, it’s where I always begin with my clients. And as a patient being treated for dissociative identity disorder (DID), it’s where my own healing began—a journey that led me not only to deep understanding, but to full recovery.

As you might imagine, newly diagnosed with DID early in my therapeutic process, there was much about my life that made no sense. The making sense process wasn’t simply about understanding what happened in my childhood, but how the events and relationships of my childhood shaped my nervous system, beliefs, and relationships—and how all of it impacted the life I was living in the present.

I first went to therapy because I was overwhelmed with fears and terrors that had no grounding in my current life. As my therapist, Dr. Dan Siegel, and I began to explore my feelings, I quickly came to see there was no basis in my present-day circumstances for the onslaught of negative emotions I felt. What I would come to discover was that these fears had their roots in the unresolved, non-integrated trauma that had been my childhood. Uncovering my childhood was where my making sense process began.

Widening the Window of Tolerance

Something I learned in this making sense and healing process with Dr. Siegel—and that I continue to use personally and professionally—is the practice of widening the window of tolerance.

Back then, it was about sitting with big emotions: fear, terror, grief, shame, and anger. Learning not to shut down into rigidity or spin out into chaos. It was about widening my capacity to sit with whatever came—a sort of “bring it on” attitude.

Very recently, I’ve been sitting with the need to widen my window for something else: not knowing. Uncertainty.

Someone I care deeply about is going through something. I can feel it. I don’t know what it is, but the shift is palpable. I feel they are still present—connecting—but something is being held back. And it’s not my role to intrude.

So I’m doing my own work. Reminding myself it’s not their job to ease my dis-ease. It’s not my right to know what they’re not wanting or needing to share. It’s my job to live with the ambiguity. At times, that feels like too much—but it’s mine to hold.

Sitting with Uncertainty

Reflecting on this, I can see how often discomfort with uncertainty is at the root of so much suffering. Not just mine—but among friends, clients, and the world… everywhere.

When people don’t feel safe inside themselves, they can find themselves landing in either chaos or rigidity—trying to resolve and control, deny and minimize. I often land in both, and I see it around me daily.

Widening the window—staying with what doesn’t make sense yet—is part of the work of being human. It’s not a quick fix, but rather the work of our lifetimes. A process of coming to accept what is.

My practice is to be curious, open, and accepting—with love. For myself and for others. To know that making sense is a lifelong process that people get to on their own terms, not on mine.

It’s not easy. It’s messy and vulnerable. But I think it’s what love really looks like when we understand how we got here.

If this piece resonates with you, I’d love to have you along for the journey. Subscribe to Making Sense with Sally for reflections at the intersection of trauma healing, neuroscience, relationships, and being fully, messily human.

Sally Maslansky is a psychotherapist, author of “A Brilliant Adaptation: How Dissociative Identity Disorder Saved Me” who found full recovery through Interpersonal Neurobiology. She writes about how we make sense of ourselves, each other, and the world we live in. You can also find more of her writing at sallymaslansky.com.