Making Sense Together
Why the most powerful gift we give our children is making sense of our story—so they can make sense of theirs.
When my five-year-old son told me he felt like the loneliest little boy in the world, I realized he was carrying memories he couldn’t explain. What happened next taught me the power of making sense—together.
One afternoon, when my son was about five or six, we were walking through the house together. Out of nowhere, he stopped, turned to me, and said:
“Mommy, sometimes I feel like the loneliest little boy in the world.”
His words pierced me. I didn’t know how to respond. Later, I shared it with Dr. Dan Siegel, my therapist and teacher.
Dan said, “Sally, I want you to go home and show him the photos you have of the orphanage and of Sam in the orphanage.”
I hesitated. “You don’t think he’s too young to know about that?”
Dan replied: “Your five-year-old son has just told you he feels like the loneliest little boy in the world. And he doesn’t know why. You do. It’s time to share what you know and begin to help him make sense of his earliest experiences.”
Memory That Lives in the Body
What my son was expressing was an implicit memory—the way our earliest experiences shape us long before we have words.
He’d spent the first sixteen months of his life in an orphanage. Though he couldn’t remember it in pictures or stories, his body remembered. The loneliness of those months lived inside him.
Making Sense Together
When I showed him the photos, I was helping him begin to connect his feelings to his story. This is the Interpersonal Neurobiology process of making sense—turning the unspoken into something nameable, understandable, and shareable.
Research shows that the strongest predictor of how children thrive is not wealth, education, or even the absence of trauma. It is whether their parents have made sense of their own life stories. Parents who have done this inner work are more able to help their children do the same.
From Surviving to Thriving
My son’s words were painful, but they were also an invitation. By listening, by telling him what I knew, I could help him move from confusion to clarity.
That’s the heart of parenting from the inside out: not perfection, but presence. Not erasing pain but making meaning of it—together.
Because when we make sense of our own stories, we give our children the gift of thriving, not just surviving.
An Invitation
As you read this, I invite you to pause and reflect: What parts of your own story have you made sense of? And what might still be waiting for your attention?
When we share our reflections—whether with a child, a friend, or even here in the comments—we open the door for connection and healing. I’d love to hear your thoughts.