If I’m hysterical, it’s historical. That phrase—and what I learned about implicit memory in my own therapy—changed how I know about myself, and how I now show up for others.
In the making sense process of therapy, Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB) offers a powerful lens. It’s important to clarify: IPNB isn’t a form of therapy. Rather, it informs therapy. It integrates findings from neuroscience, psychology, philosophy, mindfulness, and many other disciplines to deepen our understanding of human experience—for both patient and clinician.
For me—as a patient—one of the earliest and most life-changing insights I gained in my therapy with Dr. Dan Siegel was about implicit memory. At the time, I was living with symptoms of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) that I couldn’t make sense of. I write more about this journey in my forthcoming memoir, A Brilliant Adaptation: How Dissociative Identity Disorder & the Therapeutic Bond Saved Me, which tells the story of my recovery from DID within the IPNB framework. What he helped me understand was that what I was experiencing were implicit memories—echoes of my past showing up in the present. The feelings themselves were very much in my conscious awareness, but the awareness that they were from my past was not. He assured me I wasn’t crazy. That reframing changed everything.
Here’s the difference:
- Explicit memory carries a clear marker that it belongs to the past. You know you’re remembering.
- Implicit memory does not. It arises as emotions, bodily sensations, perceptions, or behaviors that feel immediate and real, but are actually residues of earlier experience—memories of feelings you believe are happening now.
Because implicit memories don’t announce themselves as “the past,” we can mistake them for truths about the present. They can shape how we see ourselves, others, and the world in ways that may have little to do with current reality.
One day, I was explaining implicit memory to a friend, and she said, “That sounds like something we say in Al-Anon.” When I asked her to tell me more, she shared a phrase I now use as a mantra for myself and share with my clients: “If I’m hysterical, it’s historical.”
I love this phrase. If my reaction to something doesn’t make sense—whether I’m not happy enough for a friend’s good news, overly upset about something minor, or just reacting in a way that feels a little “off”—I now automatically hear: Sally, it’s hysterical/historical. That cue tells me it’s time to look inward, for me to make sense of why I’m feeling what I’m feeling. It’s become a powerful tool for me, and one I regularly share with clients.
Just recently, a friend mentioned something to me about a habit I have, one I’m aware of and currently working on adjusting: interrupting. At first it made me flinch a bit. Was I bad? Was I in trouble? Were they just being mean? But then I heard my default reminder: Sally, you’re being hysterical. And I could laugh at myself, internally. No, I wasn’t bad. No, I wasn’t in trouble. And my friend wasn’t being mean—she was offering honest feedback about something I was already working on.
That was the hysterical part: the momentary flare of old feelings. The historical part was my childhood reality—growing up in a troubled family where I was constantly told I was bad, always in trouble, and treated meanly. Implicit memory at work. With awareness, I could take a deep breath, thank my friend for her insight, and hold her words with gratitude rather than shame.
And here is where I loop back to the window of tolerance I wrote about last week. By recognizing the implicit memory at play, I was able to stay within my window. I could sit with the old feelings of shame and fear, allow them to surface, and tolerate them as part of being human—without being lost in them. That widening of my window of tolerance is the fruit of years of my work, and it is what allows me to meet the present moment with clarity, self-compassion, and resilience – most of the time!
This experience captures the heart of how IPNB informs therapy. IPNB doesn’t prescribe a set of techniques or methods; rather, it offers a framework for understanding human experience in all its complexity. Concepts like implicit memory and the window of tolerance help both therapist and client make sense of what is happening in the moment. They invite us into curiosity, compassion, and greater integration—reminding us that what feels overwhelming or confusing often has roots in the past, and that with awareness, we can grow our capacity to meet the present. In this way, IPNB continues to shape not only how I live my own life, but also how I walk alongside my clients in theirs.
Thank you for reading. This space is where I weave together what I’ve learned through IPNB—first as a patient, then as a student, and now as a practitioner. It is a place where lived experience and clinical work meet, shaped by the insights of Interpersonal Neurobiology and the making sense process. I hope you’ll walk with me as the journey unfolds.